Why most Australian underwear is garbage and what I actually wear now
I spent forty-five dollars on a single pair of “performance” trunks three years ago because a podcast host with a very soothing voice told me they would change my life. Two hours into a hike up Mt Warning, I realized I had been lied to. My thighs felt like they’d been rubbed with medium-grit sandpaper, and the ‘moisture-wicking’ fabric was basically acting like a heavy, wet sponge. It was a disaster. I had to walk back to the car like a cowboy who’d been in the saddle for a month.
Since then, I’ve become a bit obsessed with finding the best underwear brands in Australia. Not because I’m a fashion guy—I work a regular job and spend most of my time sitting in a swivel chair or walking the dog—but because bad underwear ruins your entire day. Most of what you buy at the shops is total garbage. It’s thin, the elastic gives up after three washes, and it’s designed to be sold in a multi-pack to people who have lost all hope.
Bonds has officially broken my heart
I know people will disagree with me on this, and honestly, I might be wrong, but I genuinely believe Bonds intentionally makes their fabric thinner every year. It’s a conspiracy. I used to be a die-hard Guyfront guy. They were the gold standard. You could buy a three-pack at Big W and they’d last you through a house move, a breakup, and three seasons of social touch footy.
Now? They’re basically fast fashion for your crotch. I bought a fresh pack six months ago and two of them already have that weird thinning near the inner thigh where the fabric just… disappears. It’s depressing. We’ve collectively decided to keep buying them because the logo is familiar, but the quality has fallen off a cliff. What I mean is—actually, let me put it differently. Buying Bonds in 2024 is just paying for the nostalgia of when things were actually made well. They’re the ‘safe’ choice that isn’t actually safe for your wallet in the long run.
The waistband on modern Bonds feels like a tired rubber band after ten cycles in the wash.
Total waste of money.
The bamboo obsession is a bit of a lie
Everyone talks about Boody like it’s a gift from the gods. And look, I get it. It’s soft. It feels like you’re being hugged by a very gentle cloud. I used to think bamboo was the solution to everything. I was completely wrong.
Here is the problem with bamboo: it has zero structural integrity. I’ve tested four pairs of Boody trunks over about 18 months of Sydney humidity, and while they are breathable, they lose their shape by lunchtime. By 3 PM, you’re not wearing trunks anymore; you’re wearing a loose fabric skirt inside your trousers. There is no support. If you’re just lounging around the house on a Sunday, they’re great. If you’re actually moving? Forget it. They sag.
I tracked the waistband elasticity on my last pair of Boody’s. After 22 wash cycles, they had lost about 14% of their ‘snap’ compared to a fresh pair. That’s a specific enough number to sound like I did a lab test, but really I just measured them against my dresser. Anyway, they’re too floppy for me.
The part where I admit I’m a hater
I refuse to buy Step One. I know, I know—everyone loves the ‘Ultra-Glide’ panels. My brother swears by them. But I find their marketing so incredibly annoying that I’ve made it a point of pride to never let their fabric touch my skin. This is probably unfair. They might be the most comfortable thing on the planet, but if I have to see one more ad with a cartoon man talking about his chafing, I’m going to lose my mind. I have an irrational loyalty to my own spite.
Instead, I’ve been buying Tradie. Specifically the ‘Man Model’ or the ‘Workwear’ ones. They are cheap. They are usually on sale at Harris Scarfe or Woolies. And for some reason, they actually hold up. They aren’t trying to be fancy. They’re just thick cotton with enough elastane to keep things in place while you’re actually doing stuff. They’re the only brand I’ve found where the legs don’t roll up the second you sit down.
- Tradie: Surprisingly durable, cheap, doesn’t pretend to be luxury.
- Knobby: Good if you like loud patterns, but the subscription model is a headache.
- Modibodi: Actually great for what they are, but a different category entirely.
What I actually wear now
If you want the truth, the best pair I own isn’t even from a ‘cool’ brand. It’s a pair of Uniqlo Airism trunks I bought on a whim. I hate that a massive Japanese conglomerate beat out our local legends, but the fabric is like a second skin. It’s like wrapping your business in a high-tech Ziploc bag, but in a way that actually breathes.
I’ve bought the same 5-pack of Tradie trunks three times now for my daily work wear, and I save the Airism for when I know I’m going to be sweating or walking a lot. I don’t care if there’s a ‘smarter’ or more expensive brand out there. I’m tired of the trial and error.
Is it weird that I’ve spent a thousand words thinking about this? Probably. But I’m thirty-four now, and the window of time where I’m willing to tolerate a wedgie or a heat rash is officially closed. I just want to put them on in the morning and not think about them again until I take them off at night. Is that too much to ask? I honestly don’t know.
Just stay away from the cheap multi-packs at the supermarket. Your thighs will thank you.
